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Wednesday, December 28th, 2011
1:46 pm

This is goodbye.

This life has been good to me. It's just that I now find it too heavy to stand.

If I could live all over again, I would choose to be less curious. Now it's too late. Knowledge can't be erased. Memories can't be erased.

I would have wanted you to know how much I cared about you. Maybe you knew it already. Maybe you don't. I was unlucky that's all. It's nobody's fault.

I knew from the start that time will separate us indefinitely some day. Well this is it. I will always miss you like I do now.

I can't bear the thought of hearing from you again. At first I thought love was easy, love was simple. Now I know it's different with a damaged soul like mine. I wanted way more than just this. I'm sorry.

Goodbye world. I hope you enjoyed the time that I was here.


Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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Tuesday, December 27th, 2011
10:38 pm
Eternal Sunshine... Spotless Mind, a movie that I watched back in 2004.

Alone.

And I had the movie poster hung in my appartment. Where Joel and Clementine laid on their backs on the frozen river. The blue tone went well with my bedsheet and the furnitures.

Later when I moved in with F., it's the only thing that I regretted of my single life.

I watched it again tonight. I thought I was gonna be ok if I forgot him. Apparently I already knew the answer.

The answer is to live with the imperfections of life. And try to be happy nevertheless.

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Monday, December 26th, 2011
4:20 am

Be brave, girl. The world is yours to conquer.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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Tuesday, December 20th, 2011
5:03 pm
Spent the entire morning trying to figure out how long it takes to get my identity card.

Spent the early afternoon at the Naturalization Office of the Police. The gentleman who received me was extraordinarily kind and helpful. He offered to have my identity card made faster than the usual procedure. Then I called Fabrice and Olyy for advice. Then I hesitated over a 2 line email to the Commission until quite late. Then another email to the N. Office for the special request.

Now I'm tired. I still have my custom law paper to write.

Several times I thought of giving up. Giving up the internship at the Commission, giving Brussels, giving up the degree and the career etc... But I can't. There're so many people supporting me and helping me. I can't give up. I can't allow myself to give up.

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9:43 am

Tuesday. Having trouble getting out of bed. I dreamt that I slept with a huge roasting eggplant in my arms lol.

Today need to have my paper done.

I probably need to make up my mind better. I still can't.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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Monday, December 19th, 2011
9:31 am

Monday morning. Hmm. Need to dry my hairs, have breakfast, sort out DIA papers, go to the library and research.

Winter's everywhere now. The heating's been turned fully up. Woke up in a nice and warm bed with a man that I love. I wonder what more there is to be achieved in life. If so, why?

If I were left the choice, I'd be...

Maybe it's all a race with time. See if my butts will stay firm even if you add 20 more years to my age. I guess it's also a test of not getting bored. See if I'll get bored and crazy even if life goes on and on and basically repeats itself everyday in every way.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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Sunday, December 18th, 2011
4:40 pm

冬天,太陽變得稀罕。出去一大圈還是換不了心情。

如果自己可以變得勇敢就好了。就不會害怕孤單。就不會害怕被忘記。

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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Monday, December 12th, 2011
12:11 pm
Last night's dream was extraordinarily vivid. We were talking on a bus and I put my hand on his. He shied away but later held up mine. I asked him since when he's been in love and he said 20 minutes after we met. Then we were at my childhood's home in the evening, the sky was full of incredibly beautiful stars and purple lights. We went to the balcony to look at the stars and i remember a constellation ascended at that moment on the upper left corner of the sky. Was probably Libra but then I thought it was Aquarium.

I don't know what this dream means.

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Monday, November 21st, 2011
1:47 pm - Dream
Last night's dream was significant. There was this moment when I was standing in a crowd sending a text and trying to find "him" and a place for myself. Then there he was suddenly just by my left, smiling and telling me that the very spot where I'm standing is the seat that he's saved me.

"Stop looking. You are just fine where you are." That's probably the message of the dream.

I know it's been two months since I've made this huge detour. The obsession is probably not over just yet, but something's clearly being ignored.

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Saturday, December 18th, 2010
11:37 pm - Wintersong - Sarah Mclachlan
"Wintersong"

The lake is frozen over
The trees are white with snow
And all around
Reminders of you
Are everywhere I go

It's late and morning's in no hurry
But sleep won't set me free
I lie awake and try to recall
How your body felt beside me
When silence gets too hard to handle
And the night too long

And this is how I see you
In the snow on Christmas morning
Love and happiness surround you
As you throw your arms up to the sky
I keep this moment by and by

Oh I miss you now, my love
Merry Christmas, merry Christmas,
Merry Christmas, my love

Sense of joy fills the air
And I daydream and I stare
Up at the tree and I see
Your star up there

And this is how I see you
In the snow on Christmas morning
Love and happiness surround you
As you throw your arms up to the sky
I keep this moment by and by

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Wednesday, December 8th, 2010
12:26 am
I went to class today. After a 6-month break. Riding in rain on a December night is terrible. I even crammed in 10 pages of banking law. Now i'm reading a random page of Pride and Prejudice but I actually wanted to read Lord of the Rings.

The chicken i made tonight was weird. The Greek yogurt had an awesome texture, and the sauce made from it gave a refreshing jolt. Though I can't decide if I liked it! Lemon and harissa is a strange blend.

If I can get a shrink, I guess i would be asking questions like, "To what extent can we change our personalities?" I guess he/she would say, as long as it pleases you. Is it pathological to be unpleased by who you are?

I'd also be discussing the concentration issue although it's getting better now that I've made it one. And the sleep thing, why I need to sleep 15 hours a day to stay sober during the rest 9 hours.

We all have a child inside ourselves. I just discovered that I would decide that I like someone if I can see the child in him/her. Probably it just means that I like people who are real. I especially like people who don't hesitate to show what they like, especially when they like you.

I guess that is almost like why I couldn't manage a smile while being looked in the eyes by Emmanuelle Beart. But I am not taking shyness as an answer. I'd really like to be able to do that.

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12:13 am
I watched some more episodes of Bones this week. I envy Bones' friends. People so unique and yet awkward don't usually get appreciation for what they really are. They almost never do! Bones is intelligent, logical, but these characteristics usually mask her kindness and disguise her as cold or lack of humility.

I wish people could all be like that, just loving each other for what we are, for good or for bad. Sad, sad.

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Tuesday, November 23rd, 2010
10:07 pm - Why do all love stories lose their credibility?
I was watching 愛してるいってくれ and once I saw the synopsis and the characters' first fall out, I decided it that was it. How can two people so kind and so in love with each other have such misunderstandings?

It was as if controlling their emotions wasn't possible. They'd have to let their own position win over the necessity of hearing each other out. You can argue that it was because there was too much love, but I'm afraid I can see nothing but selfishness and its impulsiveness at work.

And how could Wilson and Sam break up over a stupid but nevertheless sweet statement in this week's House MD?

That's why I can't get enough of Dr. Temperance Brennan anymore. Her cool scientific attitude with all categories of issues eliminated all misunderstandings as much as possible. Why can't the world be like that? Why does it has to resign to a particular type of humor?

And the ability of taking things for their original signification, that's an excellent way out for me.

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9:57 pm
So I was in this anonymous state of still sadness the entire day after a not very fulfilling lunch and an afternoon spent watching "Bones" - I love Temperance, I wish I were like her taking things all literally, my problem is basically is about me over-thinking stuffs - which can't exist according to T.

Anyway then all the sudden I decided that buying a lampadaire would make me feel better. So I grabbed my credit card and keys and went out into the not so cold beginning of winter air in Fafou's coat. I like it when I don't have to over-think things like what to wear, at all, for once.

I felt like shit when I discovered that the thing I bought was something worse than most made-in-China stuffs but then when it was set and lit up, suddenly the perspective was changed.

Life is bad when you think over and over again about the fact you hardly get the half of the value of your money living in this town.

And the choices that you've made. Like throwing money into the bar exam preparation.

I hope I can get myself of this physical space crammed with symbolic stuffs of my former possessiveness.

Now I want something completely different.

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Monday, December 28th, 2009
1:50 pm - The Tri-annual Post
My LJ username now looks extremely bizarre to me. I probably chose it back in 2002 at a time that I never could've known one day I'll be living indefinately in a foreign city married to a foreign man.

But here I am, soon the 8th year in Paris and counting... a job, an almost-Parisian husband, and lots of going-on projects however personal they are.

I probably haven't come back ever since my last post in 2007. Now I will call it "the place to be narcissist without guilt".

I mentioned mom's illness last time. Now she's gone. I haven't figured it all yet, what it's done to me and all the meanings of life & death & love & reality... I hope someday I will and write it down here. If I do know how to communicate with the other world, I still haven't got the courage to face her eventually through the barrier, I hope someday I could.

I am left with a perfect little family that I've built myself, the original one now estranged.

I've got a job now and have no idea what I am going to do with it. I have unfinished studies and got no plans for these. I started learning Japanese and think of moving there everyday. In a word, I was never this lost my entire life.

One thing I do regret is that I'm now 25 and I still want to be back when I was 16 when everything was possible, including becoming quadrilingual in 6 months and a musician before I die. I still have these dreams about high school and probably they will never stop.

Maybe one day I will forget my age and mortality, although it's what makes reading my old posts so full of magic.

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Sunday, July 22nd, 2007
10:18 pm
It's been a long time...

Ok it's lame to start another entry like this. I simply just forgot this place, and didn't feel like writing in English for a long time. The thing is, when I think or write in English, I think with an American accent. I don't feel like being this superficially American anymore. I am not American. I've never been to the US. And I don't like most things about this country.

Except that perhaps Livejournal is American.

A lot of things have happened. Marriage, sick mother, and all kinds of stuffs that come when you grow up. Subconsciously I always wish that I could go back to the time when I was in high school - I know this because I always dream about high school, about the time around the end of junior year. I always tell myself in my dreams that I should work hard during the last year.

Alas, it's too late for that. Time is passing awfully fast. I know that one day I'll be thinking about my life, how it all happened so fast like I was thinking about the year 2007 today. And I know that this day will come really fast, too.

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Monday, October 16th, 2006
11:50 am
English was horrible this morning. I was already nervous as i didn't understand at all the topic that we were supposed to prepare. And then Fafa got upset before go to bed cos i didn't like him bumping into me in bed all the time and told him dryly to stay in his corner. It was quite some time to comfort a big baby, and then we just talked till 3am and there goes my Sunday night's good sleep down the drain...

I'm feel so sorry for Ms Allomong. I hated my participation this morning. I like her so much and I always wished that i could work up a question to ask her afterclass. And there was that horrible girl stomping into the classroom 5 minutes before the end of the session, sucking into her lollipop, and acting as if uh, like nobody was supposed to be there except her. To my surprise.

Today i wear turquoise and brown. these colors work terrificly well together. So what are we planning for our last 5 days of bachelor life? Will I get used to wearing that big thick wedding ring?

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Thursday, September 28th, 2006
1:23 pm
God I hate school. A cocktail party for everyone at the Institute during class time, and présence obligatoire? Yeah, if that's what it takes to see some bigshot lawyers, and Monsieur le Directeur himself.

And the tuition fee's like... robbery. 160 euros for "supplementary registration"? Just because that I'm student at the same University?

It's certainly going to be a draconic year. Finishing at 21:00 everyday, extra classes now and then on Saturday afternoons, 3 papers a week, all that adding up to a wife's share of housework. And, above all, gotta get an average above 13.

current mood: stressed

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Wednesday, March 8th, 2006
1:36 pm
I am more and more aware of the fact that my mind is getting old.
Facts:
1. i put my credit card in my wallet where I usually put cash and then thought it was lost/stolen and diclared it lost. I found out today that it was nowhere else other than in my wallet; actually, it doesn't occur to my mind anymore that the cash pocket is also a part of the wallet.
2. I keep forgetting personal stuffs in strange environment, which never ever occured to me.
3. I can't clearly tell how many tasks I have been assigned to.
4. I keep forgetting what am I supposed to do when I set out for something.
5. I have no clear idea about when was the last contact with my parents or my best friend and what it was about.

Beside all this, I have the strangest dreams each night, about adventure, Kong Fu fightings, detective story... long dreams and complete plots. What on earth's going on with my mind???

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Friday, March 3rd, 2006
12:39 pm
The good news is, I passed my finals. I'm going to junior year. The bad news is, on the same day, I lost my credit card. It disappeared this time in a way too complete and after a day's search I declared its missing.

To celebrate the better part of the day, we went to the only potable Chinese restaurant with Wei. We, or to be exact, I ordered way too much food for 3 people and had to bring home 2 huge doggy bags afterwards. The Chinese wine rosé wasn't bad. Fafa paid the bill. I had a great time.

The book I'm reading right now is Harlan Coben's Tell No One. It's the most exciting read since a long time. Or maybe it's just that I didn't know how to choose books that could please me. The next one I'm planning to read is The Time Traveler's Wife. And then perhaps Saturday of Ian McEwan. Reading's a fine habit. It kills the pain of counting stops in the subway, and the embarassment during idling moments.

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